The Absurd Life of Barry White: A BRAND NEW uplifting and totally hilarious comedy by Rob Harris

Author:Rob Harris [Harris, Rob]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloodhound Books - Dark comedies
Published: 2024-07-30T00:00:00+00:00

To distract himself from everything going on inside and outside his head, Barry decided to start work on the house renovations immediately. Without giving Ma any prior warning – and waiting until she was out – he began stripping the front room of its gaudy 1970s yellow, brown and white floral wallpaper, ready for painting at a later date in more soothing tones of magnolia or alabaster white.

His track record in DIY was not encouraging. He’d once painted the kitchen Day-glo yellow but Ma had been unimpressed by the fact he’d gone around her Michel Roux and Raymond Blanc cookbooks, so that when she took one off the shelf to read, the old grey paint screamed ‘sacre bleu’ at her.

Worse still, he once convinced Aunty Ruth he knew how to bleed radiators. He removed the cap off the end rather than just loosening it – whilst also not realising that he should’ve turned the central heating off first. Hot water gushed out of the radiator flooding the place and destroying the Axminster carpet whilst Aunty Ruth fussed, panicked, screamed and yelped. Barry suffered minor burns to both hands but managed to get the cap back on the radiator before Uncle Derek came home to forcefully shove it somewhere dark, musty and warm where no additional heating was required.

Barry’s DIY therapy session began well enough and he managed to tear off most of the wallpaper at eye level relatively easily. It came away from the wall without putting up much of a fight, probably on account of the damp hidden behind various appliances. However, the bits higher up were harder to shift. Here was an accident waiting to happen; a sixteen-stone man with no sense of balance, stretching and tugging at firmly fixed wallpaper, whilst standing one-legged on a rickety wobbly stepladder that hadn’t seen action for years.

When the inevitable happened, Barry lay on the floor dazed, unsure if his headache was concussion or hangover. He managed to get himself to his feet but felt shooting pains down his wrist. It hurt a lot. He pulled his phone out of his pocket with his other hand and called Aunty Ruth.

‘Aunty, what you doing right now? Would you be able to run me down to the community hospital? I’ve fallen off a ladder and think I might have broken something besides Ma’s coffee table.’

Aunty Ruth had a golf lesson so she dropped him off at the entrance to the hospital and said she’d pick him up later if he needed a lift. Barry didn’t mind sitting in the hospital waiting room on his own for three hours, it was strangely therapeutic and probably just what the doctor ordered. It gave him a space and some time to think – whilst watching various poor unfortunates come and go with an assortment of limps, rashes, black eyes and bleeds.

He saw children who had fallen off bikes and climbing frames and one with a saucepan stuck on his head. There were wheezing babies and wheezing

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